The Emotional Roller-coaster of Infertility

I will be honest here and tell you that this is a subject that I find really difficult to write about but I will do my best to tell you of my personal experiences on this difficult journey.

There are two types of infertility:- Primary Infertility (this means you have never given birth) and Secondary Infertility (this is when you have had a child/children but are experiencing difficulties having any more). I personally suffer from the latter as I have a Twelve Year Old Son.  I have never experienced Primary Infertility and would never presume to compare the sufferings of some-one that has, to my own suffering.  What I will say is that along with the sheer devastation and longing that Secondary Infertility brings comes also the feelings of Guilt!While already in turmoil and devastation over infertility issues, guilt also sets in because you are longing for a baby and even though you are grateful that you have already got a healthy, happy child and as much as you're truly grateful for this, you also recognise that lots of couples don’t have any children (making you feel guilty for wanting more) but…..you still can’t stop the longing and the hoping that one day against all the odds you will have that other baby, that you desperately want so badly!

I guess I should rewind here and go back to where it all started for me…About 7 years ago, deep down in my heart I knew that I was suffering from infertility and although at that time I didn’t have a diagnosis, I was pretty certain that I had Endometriosis and this would cause infertility.  I had exhibited the symptoms  of Endometriosis with each period, since my periods began.  I always suffered extreme pain and was often rendered bed-ridden during my periods.

On February 2013 I had a laparoscopy and Endometriosis was indeed diagnosed, this was identified as the reason for my infertility. On the day of the diagnosis I had mixed emotions (not helped by the fact that I was still dazed from the surgery). I now had confirmation of what I had already known and in one way I was relieved but in another way I was really upset that what I had suspected had now been confirmed.  The surgeon that performed the operation had assured me afterwards that although I had this diagnosis, I was not to worry about it as he was going to refer me for IVF and I would have my baby/babies in no time….so for now I had hope…

…At least until a few months later. I should point out here, that I have a lot of faith in my religion. By now I had an appointment for IVF  and I decided to do an all night prayer vigil at my local chapel.  I spent that entire night praying to the Blessed Eucharist that my IVF would be successful.  I was quite naive back then and assumed that it would be straight forward, that it would just be a simple matter of having the IVF treatment and following that my baby would be in my arms approximately 9 months later. I believed that my night of prayer would set me in good steed with God and he would ensure that everything ran this smoothly….if only I had realised that life is never that straight forward!

The day following my night of prayer I was blessed with the exciting news that both my sisters were pregnant and I now have two wee darling nephews, which I am extremely grateful for.

Believe it or not my faith and prayer is actually what is keeping me going during this extremely difficult journey (although you may find this statement difficult to understand as my story unfolds)…. My faith has undoubtedly been tested to the limit!

The Friday following my night of prayer was Good Friday and I attended a monastery for confessions, just as I was leaving the confessional I happened to ask the priest to pray for me.  I told him that the following week I would be attending my first appointment for IVF. I was shocked by the monks reaction to this – he became very alarmed and begged me not to go through with the IVF.  He explained that IVF is against Church teaching and a mortal sin and one of the reasons for this was that the procedure involved the fertilisation of more eggs than would be used and the excess embryo’s would be destroyed or frozen (rendering IVF a life- destructive treatment).  By this stage I was in quite a state and crying as the monk begged me to promise that I would not go through with IVF.  I couldn’t make this promise and told him so, I told him that I had my husband to consider and I was not willing to let him down, so instead I conceded to pray for discernment on the matter.

I left the monastery really upset and when I told my husband, he was angry that the monk had left me so upset.  I decided that I would go ahead with the IVF, although by now it was with a heavy heart. I can tell you now that on Good Friday that year, it was the most difficult day of my life!

I came home and went to bed and cried for hours, the pain and suffering I felt was unbearable and I was losing hope.  I called my sister and she, like me couldn’t  understand how creating a life could be considered a sin, she thought that perhaps the monk had strict and old fashioned views.  In her opinion I should go ahead with the planned IVF treatment.  I got up, washed my face, pulled myself together and went to the 3pm Good Friday service in the chapel.  It was the most difficult service I ever attended and I had to fight very hard to contain my emotions and not break down in tears during mass.  I could not understand why God seemed to be punishing me!

By Easter Monday my sister had told another member of my family what the monk had said and so he asked me to call at his house that day for a chat.  Following what my sister had told him he had done some research and could understand where the Church was coming from and he happened to agree with the views of the Church.  He told me that he was deeply concerned that I would be making a huge mistake if I went through with the IVF treatment, he said that him and his wife had spent hours praying for me the previous night, in the hope that I would not go through with it.  Again I broke down and literally cried my heart out, because although I was in denial, I actually agreed with him and the Church, I just really did not want to let my husband down and did not know how to tell him that I no longer wanted to go through with this treatment.  Essentially though I had to come home and tell him how I felt.  I was not prepared for his reaction. It was truly devastating…I had never seen him so upset and I hope to never see him that upset again. He was utterly devastated to say the least, but still he assured me that he couldn’t let me go through with something like this if it was against my will!

After we had made the decision not to pursue IVF, we began to research other more ethical treatments that were in line with our religion and this led to the beginning of our journey with the Natural Procreation Fertility Treatment (NaPro Technology), which is a form of Restorative Reproductive Medicine (RRM). We had the option of going to a NaPro clinic either in the South of Ireland or in England as there was no clinics in the North of Ireland that facilitated any form of RRM.  Basically RRM Physicians investigate the route of your fertility problems and address them, as in they treat the problem rather than bypassing it. 

We attended Life Fertility Clinic in Leamington Spa (England). This reignited my hope and I also felt relieved with my more ethical decision.  We would continue on this journey for a few difficult years. This included intense charting and understanding my Fertility Cycle and also the introduction of fertility drugs hcg injections as well as progesterone tablets.  I honestly hated taking those drugs.  They amplified my already emotional state to the max!

From the moment of ovulation (which you become fully aware of from tracking your cycle) to the first day of your period is the most agonising time.  I spent that time hoping against all hope that I would be pregnant and I spent ways of convincing myself that I was (even though I actually knew in all likelihood that I wasn’t) and to make matters worse the fertility drugs I was on even mimic the symptoms as pregnancy.  So on the first day of my next period I came crashing down with an almighty thump.  I mean curled in a ball on my kitchen floor, hugging my knees and howling like a banshee for a good hour at least and then I knew that I had to pick myself up and start all over again, only to find that my next period was a week late.  Now this time I was absolutely convinced that I was pregnant.  I put off doing a pregnancy test for a full week because I didn’t want another negative test to burst my bubble!  On the seventh day after my period was due, I did however take the test, only to get the negative result that I had dreaded, but as my period still hadn’t arrived I hoped the test was wrong – It Wasn’t!!! My period arrived within an hour of doing the test (which always seems to be the case by the way).  It turned out that the delay of my period was just another cruel side effect of the fertility drugs.

We continued on with the NaPro for a couple of very difficult years, before I had to Let Go & Let God (either that or I would have lost my sanity)!  I don’t regret trying NaPro though, in fact I highly recommend it as many couples have been successful with achieving pregnancy and the counseling that accompanies  the treatment helped me at that time to come to terms with my infertility.

In this past couple of years I have researched other available options including G.I.F.T. (Gamete Intra-Fallopian Transfer). The problem with this was that because it is now considered an out-dated treatment, very few clinics offer it.  I did however find a surgeon in  Greece that was willing to do it, but it was just working out too expensive and I was unsure about having the procedure done in a foreign country.

Unfortunately it is at this point of my journey on this “Emotional Roller-coaster” that I experience by far the biggest dip. I was beginning to really feel for all the couples that were practicing Catholics but had not been made aware of the church’s teachings on assisted reproductive treatments. I worried about all the embryo’s/babies that were being “manufactured”, graded for life viability and then casually discarded or their wee lives suspended in freezers. I felt strongly that couples should be made aware of Church teachings in order for them to be able to make an informed choice. Let me reiterate again we each have free will and I do not judge anyone for the decision they make as long as they are making a fully informed choice. What I am going to say next will probably come as a shock to you…

My concerns were so great that I went to a priest (it wasn’t my parish priest) to plead with him to inform couples of the church teaching. In my passion I had launched into a complete tirade and the priest completely stopped me in my tracks and shocked me by what he had to say. He told me that he didn’t believe that IVF was a sin, he said that I had a duty and obligation as a Catholic wife to provide my husband with as many children as possible, by any means. He held his right hand up to God and then said: “I swear to Almighty God that you would not be committing any sin by having IVF and if it is a sin that he, himself would burn in hell for me!” He then urged me to go ahead with his blessing telling me that life doesn’t actually begin until a baby is in his Mother’s womb (which I correctly understood to be wrong, life actually begins at conception)! I pray so much for that priest, because what he was saying came from a kind place, but the mistake he made was giving his own personal opinion rather than sticking with Church teaching. Unfortunately, I then let my guard down! I let myself believe these words and I was only too happy to receive such encouragement from a priest, I suppressed any doubts, by telling myself that a priest said it was ok. I feel ever so guilty now, because deep down I knew in my heart what was right and wrong, I had free will and I used what that poor priest had said as an excuse to give into temptation.

I went for Ivf , where only 2 eggs were  retrieved and out of those 2 eggs only one was able  to be fertilized  and transferred … so this was how my precious second child was conceived. I can tell you that both the physical and emotional pain of IVF has left me traumatised forever!

On 21st May 2019, I lost my precious baby. I wasn’t very far into my pregnancy but far enough to have formed a strong attachment and bond with my little darling.

For two days before losing her, I knew that I was losing her and trying for dear life (literally) to cling on was like trying to hold on to sand as it slipped through my fingers. I cannot ever fully express the pain and suffering that I experienced with that loss. I was crippled and numb from the inside out. Unbidden tears constantly flowed as I lived in a haze of grief, the physical pain was bad but the emotional pain has left a wound that will never heal. I named my little darling “Gianna Mary” and I could feel her wee soul leave my body and this world as she went back heavenward, taking with her a peace of my heart!

I was the only person in this world that got to experience her, as only a mother that has lost a child in this way will ever understand. You see my husband was hurt, but his hurt stemmed from watching me suffer and being unable to prevent it and also from the anticipation of having a baby that he would now never get to know… Where as I on the other hand had made a connection with Gianna. It was two days before her tiny wee perfectly formed little body,  still within the sac with a prominent and visible heart tucked below her chin on her tiny chest)  finally detached and came out. I got some peace and closure when our priest performed a little burial and naming ceremony for her at our parish graveyard. I can’t really say much more about this other than that she will always live in my heart! With her also went any hope that I had of having any more children (I was after all 39 years old at the time).

After this I became even more passionate about my work, I established Calm Fertility Care (The first RRM Fertility Clinic in the province). I contented myself with the fact that even if I was not meant to have any more children I could take pleasure in helping my clients have them. I watched as clients became pregnant treatment after treatment and thanked God for each success that resulted from the work I was doing.

I myself finally came to accept that children are a gift from God and not an entitlement…they are begotten and not made! I had been blessed abundantly with both my son on earth and my precious baby now in Heaven, God truly was good to me!

In October 2019 I turned 40 years old and like I previously mentioned had resigned myself to the fact that I was in all likelihood not going to have any more children, I made my peace with this and thanked God for my 14 year old son. I then stopped wasting time that I could be enjoying with him by pining and moping around, longing for another baby and instead I began to really focus on enjoying the child I already had.

Now in saying that, turning 40 also kick-started one last push within me, although I had made my peace with having an only child I was still determined to do all in my power to have another. It is quite hard to describe how I felt at this stage. My faith deepened and I entered a state of surrender. If God wanted me to have another baby he would see to it, so I stopped obsessing but didn’t stop praying and asking for another child.

I did something that strangely enough I never thought to do before – I started to follow the advice that I give to my clients and made myself a treatment plan and followed it strictly. I performed Calm Natural Fertility Treatment on myself!

My husband took me to Milan to pray at the Tomb of St. Gianna (Patron Saint of Infertility) this was a beautiful and special experience for us and a much needed break. We had weathered a huge storm together and that time spent in Italy was a wonderful boost to our marriage.

Shortly after we returned a very dear and elderly priest friend (Fr. Jim McNally) got very ill. Fr. Jim was a great advocate of the Holy Rosary and had inspired me to pray it daily. I spent the next few weeks at his bedside and watched as he begged God to take him to his Eternal Rest. On the 20th November 2019, God answered his prayers and my dear friend Fr. Jim left this world and entered his Eternal Happiness.

Now me being me of course was not going to miss an opportunity. I was privileged to be at Fr. Jim’s bedside as he was leaving this world and I said to him as he was leaving: “Fr., when you get to heaven, make sure and tell God to send me a baby”.

Well my dear friend of course never let me down because a few months later to my utter amazement I discovered that I was in fact pregnant!!!

The evening that I took that pregnancy test, I had procrastinated all day as I was reluctant to do a pregnancy test… you see as many of you that suffers from infertility will understand, it is absolutely soul destroying to read yet another negative on a pregnancy test after doing so for so many, many years (hundreds of tests).

That evening however I done the test without looking at the wee results window, left the test upside down on the bathroom cabinet and came back to the kitchen to pray my heart out. A few minutes later my husband went to check the test, while I sat with my hands over my ears and my eyes squeezed tight shut. I then realised that Pete was very quiet down there, so I shouted at him to tell me the result, then changed my mind and shouted that I didn’t want to know, then changed my mind again… During all of this mind changing however, Pete never spoke, so I slowly walked down the hallway and when I got as far as the bathroom door Pete was sitting on the toilet seat, with his mouth hanging open. When he saw me he started to wave the pregnancy test stick around and asked if we had any more, because he found the positive result too hard to believe!

I knew right there, right then however that our prayers had been answered and I also knew this time I would give birth to a healthy baby!

I had an early scan at seven weeks and the doctor advised me to be prepared for the worst. He said that my hormone levels at the time of conception were not conducive to pregnancy and he was not even sure how we had achieved pregnancy, but that it was very unlikely that I would sustain a pregnancy to live birth. (I chose not to believe him, I just knew in my heart that this time we would have a healthy baby)!

The doc performed the 7 week scan and could not believe his own eyes… he said that it was one of healthiest pregnancies that he had witnessed in his very long career. He could come up with no other explanation other than Divine Intervention!

I’m not going to lie, I had an extremely difficult pregnancy, but one that I would never change because on the 9th of October 2020 I give birth to a gorgeous, healthy baby boy!

We named our boy James in memory and honour of my dearly departed friend, Fr. Jim!

Rest in Peace my dearly departed friend. It was a huge honour and privilege to have known you, you will always be remembered as I watch my boy grow!

If you are reading this story just know that Miracle’s really do happen, if you just believe and have faith, no matter what!

This story has been extremely difficult to write and I have tried to explain the emotional difficulties of infertility, but I know that unless you have personally experienced it, you will never fully understand! If you have never experienced it (and I hope you haven’t) please refrain from giving couples that are going through it advice. I understand that your heart is in the right place, but some of the most hurtful things that I hear from people “trying to help” is:

– just relax and it will happen– give it time– At least you have already got a child (for me this is without a doubt the most painful thing you could say to me because you are adding to the guilt I already feel for wanting another baby)!

Right now I am in a good place and trust in God that if I am meant to have more children he will make it happen or alternatively give me the grace to accept whatever his plan is for my life. Perhaps his plan is for me to help other couples going through infertility, which I have already been very privileged to do and intend to continue. Particularly because I understand the difficulty of Infertility, I have a desire to help other couples going through this journey, which is why I have established Calm Fertility Care. We are the only Fertility Clinic that offers the FEMM (Fertility Education & Medical Management) model of RRM Nationwide!

I cannot fully express the delight I experience from witnessing the results of Calm Fertility Care Treatments on my clients. I kid you not, I cry tears of joy for each of the positive pregnancy results that has occurred as a result of our treatment, because I know and understand first hand the emotional roller coaster each of the ladies have traveled before getting this long awaited outcome.

Please do not hesitate to contact me for more information at Calm Fertility Care as it gives me immense pleasure to help ladies going through this most difficult episode.

You can get in touch with me here. I genuinely look forward to hearing from you and am also available to simply listen if that's what you need.

Lots of Love

Ciara xx